Did you miss me? I hope not

Okay so it’s been a really long time since I posted anything. After the first couple I kind of got a bit freaked out when people actually saw it. I just kind of need to keep reminding myself that this is for me and that none of you really matter….awkward sorry.

So my anxiety right now is THROUGH THE ROOF. Like we’re talking Depression Level 0, Anxiety Level 1,000,000. Makes a nice change, because my life is infinitely more productive when I’m intensely panicky and therefore overpreparing my entire life (I am aware that’s not very healthy either haha). What gets me is waking up, just slowly opening my eyes and BAM IM AWAKE OH MY GOD IM DYING WHAT IS THIS OMG WHAT WHY RUN AWAY. Like huh? That literally happens all day until I eventually manage to drop off. Can I can really sustain this?

4ish weeks until I come back from my year abroad and I can go and see a doctor….medication? No medication?

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0 Me – 1 Anxiety.

alittlebitanxious

I haven’t posted in a few weeks, for any of you that read my last blog post (those of you who didn’t, you can read it here) I had planned to conquer ASDA to find smelly candles, but I was so wrapped up in the excitement of kicking anxieties arse in a hectic Argos on a bank holiday weekend that I didn’t realise it wasn’t open on bank holiday Monday! Fail. Rest assured, I’ve been several times since, so consider that well and truly conquered. Not much else has happened on the Graded Exposure front, I’ve done a few minor trips to B&Q and super markets, but no new progress to tell of.

The last few weeks have been a bit full of mixed emotions really, my day-to-day anxiety has reduced somewhat (Probably due to the lack of caffeine!) I can’t remember waking up feeling anxious over the past…

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First actual post thingy

Hiyaaaaa
Okay so, I don’t really know how to start like the actual content of what I want to say. Maybe I’ll just talk about my symptoms, like as kind of a base ground for all this? And yes, fuck you, they are symptoms….if I had chronic dry skin, or a food allergy nobody would mind me talking about this medically. I’m a strong person, and I resent the implication that I’m weak just because I get anxious.
Okay, sorry. With that in mind, this is a kind of overview of my body and mind.

I’m a pretty intense person. I love to be busy and I’ve always been a high achiever, all the way through school. I played 3 instruments, acted, sang, played sports (I love to dance and run) and got high grades. I loved school and I had a lot of friends. I always want to do EVERYTHING. When I’m your friend, that’s it. I’m fiercely loyal, both in friendships and romance, and in my family life. I love my family (that’s always such a stupid thing to write, like duh).

I’m quite short, about 5ft 2, and I weigh about 9st 3ish, although my weight fluctuates a loooot. I’m quite an athletic build I guess, not that I’m sure why this is relevant, but I am. Straight up and down, not a curve on me, which I’ve always hated haha. I also have PCOS, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, which runs in the family I guess as my mum has it too. This means (cover your eyes if you are easily grossed out) that I have very very irregular periods..like maybe 2 a year? My last one was last August, and no, I am not pregnant.

In my opinion I’ve been really anxious since I was about 12, although I don’t think anyone, neither me nor my family, knew it until I got to university. My parents divorced about that age, and I started to wet the bed. That continued until I was 16, almost 17, when it stopped with medical intervention. We moved house, away from my Dad, and I was simultaneously intensely happy and intensely sad at my new school.

I remember going to the school counsellor, which I was absolutely terrified of, when I was maybe 14? I didn’t tell anyone – it wasn’t recommended I just thought I needed it, and it was the first time I’d spoken to anyone about my parents divorce. I absolutely sobbed at this poor woman for half an hour, who told me that I most likely had a hormone imbalance, pretty normal for a teenager, and I should think about using some Evening Primrose Oil. I WAS MORTIFIED. I felt like a fake, and that I was crying for no reason, and I promptly went home, dried my eyes, and never spoke to anyone again. I just dealt with it.
Ohhhh my goooosh I was so stupid. That woman was SO stupid. Of course it was okay, I was fucking 14. Oh my gosh if I could just send a little message to myself then, just give yourself a break little girl!

Hindsight tells me too, that although I think that lady was massively insensitive, she was probably right in a sense. I didn’t get my period for another 3 years – and hormone tests that I’ve had since haven’t shown anything unusual but I’m pretty sure that influxes of hormones during my teenage years probably impacted me pretty badly. However…how I feel now really reassures me that a couple of doses of Evening Primrose Oil wasn’t gonna do the job hey.

Anyway, before I get to emotional, gonna leave that there – I have a dance class and a book that I need to read for Uni, so this’ll do for now!
x

Is this a beginning? Idk..

Okay, I don’t know, I don’t really know what this is for or how long it’ll last. When I was younger I would literally start a diary every new year, and then write about three entries in it, then literally never write in it eeever again aha. This could literally be one of those. So no promises okay?

The theory behind this blog – it’s literally just for me and I seriously doubt that I will ever show it to anyone. I’m a 22 year old languages student spending a year living in Spain, which btw is the weirdest/worst/best thing ever. I feel like an astronaut in a spaceship looking down at my own life, and ya know what it’s kinda refreshing. I have pretty life limiting anxiety and depression, and whilst I’m being an astronaut I kind of want to stand up here, look at my life, and work out how this disease affects me…like work out my triggers, you know what I mean?

So I guess what I’m hoping from this is that I’ll write in it…who knows how often, but you know, record how I’m feeling, or what helped, or what makes me feel worse and I’ll learn from it. This disease is here to stay tbh so it’s about time I sorted out how to deal with it.

This is kind of a big deal for me I guess, like taking a step towards helping myself. I know I sound like I’m like ‘omg yayyy you’ve typed some words, have a round of applause’ but I’ve known I should do this for ages and yet…apathy haha. It’s okay, I’m doing it now, baby steps!

If you’re reading this…..hiiii, don’t mind me, come on in, sit down, if you can help me out let me know 🙂