Okay so, I don’t really know how to start like the actual content of what I want to say. Maybe I’ll just talk about my symptoms, like as kind of a base ground for all this? And yes, fuck you, they are symptoms….if I had chronic dry skin, or a food allergy nobody would mind me talking about this medically. I’m a strong person, and I resent the implication that I’m weak just because I get anxious.
Okay, sorry. With that in mind, this is a kind of overview of my body and mind.
I’m a pretty intense person. I love to be busy and I’ve always been a high achiever, all the way through school. I played 3 instruments, acted, sang, played sports (I love to dance and run) and got high grades. I loved school and I had a lot of friends. I always want to do EVERYTHING. When I’m your friend, that’s it. I’m fiercely loyal, both in friendships and romance, and in my family life. I love my family (that’s always such a stupid thing to write, like duh).
I’m quite short, about 5ft 2, and I weigh about 9st 3ish, although my weight fluctuates a loooot. I’m quite an athletic build I guess, not that I’m sure why this is relevant, but I am. Straight up and down, not a curve on me, which I’ve always hated haha. I also have PCOS, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, which runs in the family I guess as my mum has it too. This means (cover your eyes if you are easily grossed out) that I have very very irregular periods..like maybe 2 a year? My last one was last August, and no, I am not pregnant.
In my opinion I’ve been really anxious since I was about 12, although I don’t think anyone, neither me nor my family, knew it until I got to university. My parents divorced about that age, and I started to wet the bed. That continued until I was 16, almost 17, when it stopped with medical intervention. We moved house, away from my Dad, and I was simultaneously intensely happy and intensely sad at my new school.
I remember going to the school counsellor, which I was absolutely terrified of, when I was maybe 14? I didn’t tell anyone – it wasn’t recommended I just thought I needed it, and it was the first time I’d spoken to anyone about my parents divorce. I absolutely sobbed at this poor woman for half an hour, who told me that I most likely had a hormone imbalance, pretty normal for a teenager, and I should think about using some Evening Primrose Oil. I WAS MORTIFIED. I felt like a fake, and that I was crying for no reason, and I promptly went home, dried my eyes, and never spoke to anyone again. I just dealt with it.
Ohhhh my goooosh I was so stupid. That woman was SO stupid. Of course it was okay, I was fucking 14. Oh my gosh if I could just send a little message to myself then, just give yourself a break little girl!
Hindsight tells me too, that although I think that lady was massively insensitive, she was probably right in a sense. I didn’t get my period for another 3 years – and hormone tests that I’ve had since haven’t shown anything unusual but I’m pretty sure that influxes of hormones during my teenage years probably impacted me pretty badly. However…how I feel now really reassures me that a couple of doses of Evening Primrose Oil wasn’t gonna do the job hey.
Anyway, before I get to emotional, gonna leave that there – I have a dance class and a book that I need to read for Uni, so this’ll do for now!